The fear of making plans

If not now, then when?

For lots of people, planning for the future is scary. For me, planning to go to the pub is scary. I've always had a deep fear of making plans, big or small. I'm a paradoxical dreamer, designing a grand future of travel, career paths and life goals whilst convincing myself that I am satisfied watching The Office and eating bourbon biscuits on the sofa every night for the rest of my life. 

As I grow older (23 might not seem old but humour me) I am struck with a sickening yet exhilarating realisation that the time has come that I decide whether I want to start living my Pintrest boards, or to just flick through them on my lunch hour. 

Those who know me know that I have always wanted to travel the USA. Perhaps not the scariest prospect for some (though increasingly worrying the closer Mr Trump gets to the White House) but it is a step towards a potential move overseas. Well, as of two weeks ago the boy and I set a date for our trip. Next year we will be travelling in the USA, hopefully with a trip to Canada thrown in for good measure. 

As part of my 2016 goal to say yes (as alluded to in the previous post *wink - nudge*) I've been trying to focus on long term goals as well as living in the moment. It is helping me to realise my potential, not necessarily in terms of what I can offer others, but in what I can offer myself. I love my ordinary life and I will never want to leave it behind, but rather take it with me. I want to mix my unhealthy love of duvet days and Scrabble with plans that make me uncomfortably and radiantly excited. 

I implore you, like I have forced myself, to make a list of things you want to do in life and be honest when you decide whether it is achievable? It probably is, so why deny yourself? If shouty customers, angry bosses and traffic jams demand your time, then shouldn't you be rewarding yourself with some too? 

I know that this is a learning curve and I may never feel totally comfortable making plans, but I'm fine with that. If it doesn't make you nervous, you're not being brave. 

Route One, Venice Beach and San Francisco are
a few of the places on our exploration hit list. 

Until next time, 

A x 

2016

2016 happened last night and I feel compelled to write. As I sit in my small studio flat, browsing through my friend's New Years posts on Instagram and quietly hating on my best friend for being in Australia (she's also a beautiful, kind hearted, yes person with a hard earned degree and a brilliant career ----total bitch) having the time of her life while I'm trying to work up the courage to ask my landlord to turn down the heating, I'm pondering over whether I actually believe in this 'New year, new me" charade. 

My default this morning was to call it out on its crap, along with everyone else on Facebook. But when I sat down to think about it, it sort of feels like I'm laughing at people for trying to be happy, whilst I sit down and accept a situation that I am not entirely happy about. 

At this point, I'm going to stop you and ask that you don't make a quick judgement about my life. I am a happy person, with a wonderfully lucky life but there are a lot of things I would change in a second. Please review this list: 

1. Whilst I can boast a degree in History - the grade is reflective of how hard I worked. I was lazy at university and 90% of the time I did not want to be there (one of my lecturers would bring cake every week so for the other 10% of the time I was first in last out). I didn't care about the subject and that shows in my work, which I read back to and cringe! For 2016 I want to learn about something I'm actually passionate about - I just have to figure out what that actually is......

2. For those of you that don't know me, I'm very overweight. Again, I'm not miserable and sometimes I even like the way I look but sometimes I also need Edward Scissor Hands to come and chop at my stomach like topiary until I look like my 16 year old self again (she was still kind of chunky - but in a more toned and curvy sort of a way). I recently joined Slimming World and feel inspired by all of the women that are achieving their goals. By the end of 2016 I'd like to have the courage to stand at the front of a photograph. 

3. I'm also blessed with a full time job and (reasonably) steady income, but on my other shoulder is the ability to spend every penny of it three minutes after it enters my account. I have been with the boy for 7 years almost, and for 6 of those we have been dreaming about a road trip through Canada and America. It'd be nice this year to spend a little less on lipsticks and Pokemon cards (mine and his hobby respectively) and a little more on our dream. As cliché as it sounds, I'd like to have stories to tell my children - not just a bucket of lipsticks that claim to be the perfect peachy nude (it doesn't exist ladies - stop looking). 

I know these are fairly adult resolutions and 17 year old Amy would be screaming if she found out I was the type to worry about money, diet clubs and education. I honestly hadn't realised that being an adult doesn't just mean I can eat Turkey Dinosaurs and watch Buffy all night - it means I actually have to deal with adult stuff... they didn't prepare me for this. 

Long post short, whether it's successful or not (and God I hope I win this year! 2015 had defeated me by March)  I think that a "New Year New Me" mentality has helped me to face my goals, my successes and my failures. To call it crap and to sit on my desires for another year might lead to a very early onset midlife crises! 

I don't know, perhaps I'm only writing this because the boy is asleep and I needed someone to rant to. I do like the sound of my own voice...

Thank you for making it to the end, see you next time! 

Amy x